21/2/23 (I made a new film and I won’t show it to you yet)

Hello hello, it’s Saturday, and I did plan to write on Friday, but time is wonky or weird or relative and it’s Saturday! I’m drinking coffee and wondering what I’ll have for lunch.

I’ve just added two new videos to my videos page, which you can read a little about here! I finished the one at the top before the one underneath, but the one at the top feels more ✨important✨ so there. The first one is Training Montage, which has taken… about 1½ years to come from conception to actual video file on my computer (and my hard drive and my vimeo account). I’ve not entirely figured out what I’m thinking about it, so thought I’d make some notes on here and see if it started to make sense.

It started off with Tall Meepa, my Final Fantasy XIV character. She’s very tall, it’s an unironic name. While I installed a video of her running into the deep of the forest back in September 2021, I decided to test out a performance of a martial-arts based workout that I’ve been doing on a regular basis, on and off since about 2012. It’s fairly well known, but I’m kind of not sure I should mention what it is online, incase I’ve ripped off the choreography and am a Terrible Person that’s going to get done under copyright laws. I’m also pretty sure you can’t copyright a kick, so I’m probably safe? I’m not sure.
It feels a bit dangerous.

The whole project feels a bit dangerous, but also like, not at all?

I was on the phone to my mobile phone provider the other day, and when I laughed at something the over-friendly operator said in a slightly nervous way, the person on the other end asked me if I was shy.
I’m pretty sure I’m not shy, but I do doubt myself on this occasionally. On the whole, I’m not very shy, but I do have a nervous laugh. Is that a sign of shyness? I don’t know! Why can’t I laugh at you saying something not funny like I’m an awkward teenager with a crush on you like a normal person without being told I’m shy?

Anyway, so the first performance I shot (image below) I wore my workout gear, plus the yellow Doc Martens that match the ones Tall Meepa wears. There was no-one about. My legs were fairly hairy. I was anaemic. It was hard work. I’m very happy to share this image here, but was… not ashamed, but very aware my belly was out when I had to go have a shower afterwards and stopped to chat about how it went to my trusted friends and collaborators on the way through the campsite. Am I thinking too much into this?

After another couple of performances in various places, I then borrowed a “heat gun” (not a heat gun), a Thermal Imaging Camera! to shoot one of the performances in. I did it in January last year, in the snow, and it generally looks like this:

I’m not kidding myself honestly, but I’m fine (I know that sounds like I’m not fine, but I am!) with these images of my body (very very consensually and entirely made by myself and almost ‘fully dressed’) being on the internet, and a film that’s intended to be shown to audiences. Actual live people could see these, and I’m excited for it.
The body on screen is not me. It’s what I used to look like, from one fixed angle, for a specific amount of time.

I’ve realised this post is now not about the video, which probably explains more about the actual ideas around it on the notes I put on its page here

Anyway, saying all that I’m still freaking out a bit at the thought having to be in a room of people watching it.

It’s not available to watch anywhere right now, unless you email me and ask nicely and have a good reason, like you want to show it at your film festival or you want to pay me lots of money for it, or I like you a lot.


I’m running a Kickstarter campaign until the 12th February. It’s past the goal! But there are still plenty of the 100 copies of my book that will ever be made up for grabs and if (when!) it gets to £1000 I promise I’ll make it a hardback. Please do check it out and pledge to make the project a reality. There’s also a video you can actually watch of me on there and I’ve come to terms with how cringey it makes me feel. Someone said it was adorable so I’m choosing to believe that.